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| i can barely work this new xanga layout, mostly because I do not care to.
I got a new doctor and went today and blah blah blah. It still took as long. They still spoke to me the same way. They still saw me as just another body with a baby and still put routine procedure as top priority, though, the actual doctor was really super sweet. However, it's everything that matters and those 20 minutes with any doctor is not worth the four hour wait. I really want a home birth. I want to feel my first contraction then go out to eat to my favorite restaurant. I want to go through the first hours by walking around the block and by laying in my kiddie pool. I want to then do some hard labor in my own space with sweet father John and truly concentrate on what my body is doing.
Midwivery is not a legal thing where I live. I can walk down the street and have an abortion legally, but no home birth with a midwife present. What to do?! The nearest one is really not that near considering gas prices, mine and John's vehicle situation and the whole Medicaid thing. I'm just confused really. I might just keep my appointments with the physician and stay at home when the time comes.
I sound like one of those ranting mothers. It has truly begun!
bethany goes to the nova? do write while gone!
-b | | |
| Gonna blog your mind.
i quit the boozin. i quit the bars. i quit trying to be noticed a long time ago. just give me some peace and some space, that's what I say to most everyone in this town. The weather makes me think of the good times spent in the yard at 414 and driving my car around really fast and loud. I haven't felt that powerful in a long time. I haven't made a new friend since Aubre. All I want to do is sleep and daydream. I'm so bored all the time. My favorite thing to do is lay around with John. Kissing him never gets old. He chopped his hair off yesterday so I finished the grooming process. I miss my friends so much, and do you believe that or consider me to be a friend still? I can't wait for everything to explode into a million colors, reality has to be that beautiful. What I have felt for the past year is not reality. It's dark and strange and lonely. I've known life to be bright and hopeful before. I've been completely clean of caffeine, booze, nicotine for months. Clarity? It's coming. I'm a fucking grandma. My idea of fun is a good joke, and my idea of humor is tricky. I have a rather large vegetable garden and I have sown good seeds, therefore i will eat my fruit with joy. I think I may have gotten too bored with life and that's what happens. I'm bored with being bored. I still dream of the redwoods. I still crave the road. I have no desire to flirt or over-induldge. I want only the truth. A baby has passed away from John's church. How do you thank the gods for that?
instead of graduating from college in 2008, I'm graduating from the worst part of my life. it can only get better. Come September, John and I will have our baby and our home and our music. A family. I'm scared that I will be too lazy to clean, to cook, to care and love and give. I'm scared that I'll be selfish because that is what comes easiest to me. Or does it? I don't know. But I am ok with these fears, they seem healthy. I'm ok with the hormones that come with being pregnant...i feel happy and stoned most of the time.
blah blah blah. life is good. | | |
| baby girl youre twenty two so heres some dishes for your veggie stew.
happy birthday jessie.myabe ill be there thursday. i need to hear from you still to solidify my plans.
remember drooling contests? and that ice pushing game...SWEEPING? i love you sweet friend. | | |
| trailer hitches cost far too much. gonna leave in a minute. gonna pack in a second. gonna see the world some day. maybe new york tomorrow afternoon, after ohio tonight. he says he'll take me to the redwoods and thats a big promise. you all know this. I say YES! i always have. take me to the redwoods young man, sweep me off my feet once again. For its been so long since the last sweepage. and you do it so well!
and im cutting my hair even shorter. and im growing bigger balls as well. but my oh my, ive never felt like such a woman in my life! it is the time, finally, to take a plunge into my youth in every way! | | |
| greasy eggs and canvas and record distribution and showcase stages. | | |
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